Home > Uncategorized > Jonah’s Journal: Trials and Triumphs of a Prickly Prophet, Part 1

Jonah’s Journal: Trials and Triumphs of a Prickly Prophet, Part 1

We all know Jonah was a grouchy man of God. Specifically, a prickly prophet. Ever wonder what it was like for Jonah as he became the first person in history to ride in an organic submarine? I do.

Day One: Supplies are–well, there are no supplies. Morale is not only low, but it’s far below sea level (as I am right now). I can’t see, and it stinks so much in here I can barely breathe. I suspect God is supernaturally allowing me to stay alive even though technically I’m not breathing enough to live.

Where am I? Here’s the short story.

God told me to preach to the Ninevites. Yeah, those people. We Israelites hate them. Who wants to see the Ninevites in paradise? Not I! That’s why when God told me, I chose instead to disappear. Surely, He had to be kidding.

He wasn’t. I got on a boat to go elsewhere and immediately a storm struck the ship. I knew what it was about and after the sailors tossed all their cargo overseas, I explained they should toss me overboard instead.

They yelled in some strange language, and I suspect they were saying, “WONDERFUL, Israelite! Telling us to throw you overboard would’ve been useful information before throwing OUR cargo overboard!”

Into the water I went and then almost immediately a huge fish swallowed me.

Getting eaten by a fish is a terrifying experience. At first, I thought it was getting revenge on me for all its relatives I ate out of the Great Sea*. But then I remembered, gee, I disobeyed God and didn’t preach to the Ninevites. Maybe that’s why this is happening.

Well, it’s very dark in here. It smells like vomit. There are a few other fish flopping around in here. I’m hungry but…eating them, blech.

And so I lay down here, getting sick and nauseous as the fish swims deeper and deeper into the ocean…and up again…and down again. Icy cold water floods in as the fish eats more and more fish.

Maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad to go to Ninevah after all…

*What the Ancient Israelites called the Mediterranean Sea.

Post comments here or e-mail richardstwoshekels@gmail.com.

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